Modern Day Dads

Posted By Malik Sharrieff on February 4, 2010

I think that patience is the key to success in situations where complex issues need to be communicated to our kids - the importance of not talking to strangers versus treating everyone with basic respect and courtesey, for example. When I began instructing my elder son (now almost three) on how he needed to interact with people he doesn’t know, the concept of being open enough to show basic descency and appropriate manners while being distant enough to not welcome unwanted interaction with strangers was an idea I thought particularly critical in the state of Texas where child abductions occur with frightening frequency; and, at the same time my heritage and background made it important for me to imbue a certain level of gentility in my son’s mannerisms.

Of course this is an ongoing effort, but my first attempt went something like this:

As my son and I covered the last few blocks of our morning walk, we passed a couple of guys who were walking in the opposite direction, having a conversation. As they approached us, they paused their chat and said, good morning to me. One of the guys turned as he passed and said, “Good morning, little man,” to my son.

Now, a little less than a year prior, I had put in a lengthy effort into letting my son (who had just turned two years old) know that it was not appropriate to greet everyone he met like they were immediate family members. There was the continuous refrain of, “don’t talk to strangers. There was even a reprise of the mantra of “stranger danger” Officer Friendly preached to my 3rd grade class so many years ago. Well after countless reiterations, my son learned not to talk to people he didn’t know.

Fast forward a bit and I find myself wondering if what I got was entirely what I wanted. I want my son to be careful about who he engages in public and how, but I also want him to be a polite and courteous gentleman. Accommodating these two concepts generates the type of complexity an almost-3 year old can find difficult to say the least.

So, as I urged my son to offer a, “good morning” back to the stranger I had an instant anticipation of a process that might take twice the effort, repetition and patience as teaching my son that no stranger should be spoken to at all.

Beyond patience, there is a concept of “component-izing” that is another success key to effectively communicating complex issues to our young children. I’ll offer my thoughts on the subject in my next post.

~Malik

Category: Education, parenting | No Comments »
Tags: communication, life issues, parenting

Posted By Malik Sharrieff on February 2, 2010

Let’s face it, being a parent is difficult. Sometimes, one of the most difficult things about being a good mom or dad is finding a way to clearly explain some of the most important life lessons our children will need in order to thrive in this world.

As a father, there are many lessons that I feel are so important that they need to be discussed early, often and openly with our children. In fact, it is because they are so important that we as parents should take every opportunity to ensure our children have a clear understanding of these issues long before they become young men and women, or have the opportunity to be influenced by negative elements in the larger world around us.

Our children are our blessings. Unfortunately, they come to us without step-by-step instructions on how to help them understand right from wrong and the many truths and life lessons we all need to be happy and successful in our lives today.

Over the next month, I’ve decided to focus on posting my thoughts and experiences on this subject. I encourage you to comment and share your own stories as well.

The following series of posts should in no way be taken as a definitive set of instructions. Instead, the parents reading the posts this month should view them as a guide to help stimulate discussion, generate ideas, and help break the barriers to communication as we try to address these important issues with our children.

~Enjoy

Category: Education, parenting | No Comments »
Tags: Education, parenting, relating to you child

Posted By Malik Sharrieff on December 29, 2009

Despite the fact that my one year old has been attempting to communicate with me since birth (and possibly before), there has been a previously unbridgeable gap to our effective communication since I don’t speak his language and he hasn’t yet learned mine.

Of course there have been many successful communications between us during his year of life; those times when I recognized what he needed by the sound of his cry, body language, or just plain good guessing. And he has had occasion to read my tone, facial features, and interpret certain words (stop, no, good, his name are some good examples). However, progress has been relatively measured (if not slow by my standard).

In the last few weeks, my baby boy has begun to exhibit signs of entering his “mockingbird” phase. I have observed his older brother attempting to teach his younger sibling a few signs. Today, at dinner, my little boy clearly signed excited four separate times! I almost fell out of the chair.

Of course this is not a spontaneous event. Both boys have watched every episode of Signing Times at least 14 times over the last year, and I have tried my best to practice signing with my eldest son as often as possible. But I was shocked to see such an unanticipated exhibit so soon. I can only assume it was a combination of parental involvement, sibling support, appropriate learning tools, and the skill in which I create my macaroni and cheese extraordinaire’!

-Malik Sharrieff

Category: Education, parenting | No Comments »
Tags: communication, parenting, sibling relationships

Posted By Malik Sharrieff on December 24, 2009

The wife, kids and I are driving the four hours into Houston to spend the Holiday with my two brothers, their families, and my mom.

Three generations, nine adults, seven children, one dog, and a partridge in a pear tree!

I wish everyone the very best this Christmas and throughout the holiday season. Be safe and show love to one another.

Merry Christmas!

~Malik Sharrieff

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Posted By Malik Sharrieff on December 22, 2009

Yesterday, my son asked to go pee-pee before his “big-boy” drawers were wet - four times! I’ve definitely got hopes for a dry Christmas.

Malik Sharrieff

Category: Uncategorized | 3 Comments »
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Posted By Malik Sharrieff on December 17, 2009

Bringing up two boys that are pretty close in age, I try to make sure there are plenty of opportunities for them to play together, interact and cooperate with each other, but sometimes (as big brothers will) my eldest will do some really bothersome things to his little brother.

When I put them down for an afternoon nap, they both lay in the bed just a few feet from where I write. As my one year old is trying to get to sleep, I happen to observe my (almost) three year old son sneaking his finger into his brother’s ear.

Now, I don’t know if he liked it first, but I was a little put off that he would do something that trifling to his brother just because he was bored and didn’t want to go to sleep. I had to clear my throat to make certain I could get maximum yeild from the “Daddy’s serious” voice.

“Son, would you want your brother to bother you when you were sleeping?” I asked.

“No, daddy.” I suspected false dejection just to get out of trouble.

“I’m sorry, daddy.” Obvious patronage, here. They grow up so fast don’t they?

“If you keep it up, your brother’s going to get you back. He might not always be smaller than you.”

“Yes, daddy. I go to sleep now.” Put off by a toddler.

So I wrote an article and did some research for another topic and soon I heard covers rustling. The little one had awoken.

I watched as he slowly crawled over to his big brother (who is a pretty sound sleeper). Once he was a few inches away, he reached over and pinched his brother’s nose.

My son jerked back his head suddenly (I had been meaning to clip the baby’s fingernails).

“Staaaahhhhp, brudder,” he whined as he tried to get back to sleep. I was satisfied.

Evidently, my wakeful son was not.

I watched as he put his little nose just a hair’s breadth away from his brother’s. The, without warning, he let out a roar like an enraged tiger cub - kind of high pitched and yelp-like.

It did the trick.

Again, my sleeping son was jerked into a sudden and unwelcome state of wakefulness. He screamed and without injury started to cry.

I calmed my son’s rattled nerves as his little brother looked at him as if to ask, “what’s wrong with you?”

All I could say was,”I guess you didn’t expect it to come back around so soon, did you?”

~Malik Sharrieff

Category: Humor | No Comments »
Tags: sibling relationships

Posted By Malik Sharrieff on December 15, 2009

Today was a very stressful day. And almost none of that stress had anything to do with caring for my two boys. However, as you know, I have been diligently trying to potty train my eldest son (now 2 1/2 years old). Since my last post I have tried to implement a strategy of repetition of a given message, hoping to elicit the desired behavior - tell Daddy when you have to potty. It has been a solid week and I have to say that I cannot attribute any success to this effort.

However, the most amazing thing happened this afternoon. After wetting his third pair of “big-boy drawers” today, and the third lecture about telling Daddy when you need to potty, after almost giving up under the stress of the day and the effort to get a small boy to poo in the toilet, I simply sat on the edge of the tub, held my head in my hands and heaved a deep sigh.

After a minute of silence, my son asked from his post on the sesame street potty seat, What’s wrong, Daddy?”

“I’m really sad, son.” Was my response. I stood up and walked out of the bathroom. After standing in the hall contemplating all that I had on my mind for just about four or five minutes, my son yelled out for me.

“Daddy, Daddy!

My first thought was that he fell from the toilet or something, but as I ran into the bath room, he yelled, “I DID IT!”

“Look Daddy, I did it!”

I’ve never been so happy to see a load of crap before in all my life.

I picked my son up off of the toilet seat and hugged him. He told me that he loved me and didn’t want me to be sad.

With all the thought and strategic effort I put into divining the best motivation, the right tactics, a plan that would get a specific reaction, my son decided to go in the potty because he thought it would make me happy.

Because he loves me.

I tell you what, as someone relatively new to the full time Dad game, I didn’t know what I was missing.

Just writing this helps me get through everything else.

~Malik Sharrieff

Category: Personal Care, parenting | 2 Comments »
Tags: parenting, potty training

Posted By Malik Sharrieff on December 8, 2009

No adult I know likes to repeat themselves when attempting to communicate an idea to someone. In fact, when my almost-three-year-old makes a sincere attempt to communicate with me but all I receive is semi-intelligible babble, even he gets frustrated after the third or fourth attempt. Yet despite the apparent distaste for repetition, it seems to be the only way to get an idea to stick in the minds of our children (it doesn’t hurt with adults either).

As a marketing professional, I can testify to the power of repetition. Marketers refer to it as ‘frequency,’ or how many times a potential consumer is exposed to your marketing message before it effectively impacts their purchase decision. In politics, it is wholly unremarkable to hear a Senator, Mayoral candidate, or the President of the United States orate for an hour or so with only two or three distinct talking points.  If limited to a single iteration of thier message political speeches would be more comparable to a prime-time commercial break than the traditional 45 minute media spectacle we all know and love.

So, we can all agree that we don’t like repetition, but will accept it in certain areas of our lives. How, then can we explain the reluctance to repeat ourselves when communicating with our children; and, as they grow older, their reluctance to accept our repetition of message to them. When I was a teenager, I tried my best not to earn one of those parental lectures about right and wrong and thinking before acting and choosing your friends carefully, ad infinitum. Now that I am a father, I dread having to repeat over and over, “don’t touch, that’s dangerous, be careful, don’t pull your big brother’s hair, or to please tell me you have to potty before soiling yourself (another adventure altogether).”

Unfortunately, as disdainful as it is, in all of my exploration of the subject I have not found any better way to communicate important ideas effectively to my sons. So, having determined that identifying an alternative that is more desirable is not likely, I have decided to bolster my effort at conquering my distaste for the effort itself.

Many years ago, I learned of a sales technique used to overcome the disappointment many sales reps encounter in the field. This disappointment stems from the many instances of rejection a representative must face in the pursuit of his or her sales quota. The technique involves keeping a simple tick sheet to tally attempts an successes. Before going out, the sales rep knows that conventional wisdom dictates that it will take ten attempts to get each sale. The rep also knows how many sales he must get that day. With this information, the rep knows beforehand how many rejections he can expect and can steel himself against them before even leaving the office. By tracking his attempts on the tick sheet he doesn’t focus on how many rejections he’s received, but how close he is getting to the next sale. With a change of perspective, he can continue through the next number of rejections without submitting to depression or binge drinking.

Like the salesman, I have come to accept the fact that my son will likely not listen to me the first nine times on average. But, on a given issue, I can focus in on the tenth attempt at communicating a specific message and if human behavior models hold true, I should be able to effectively sell that idea or message.

Wish me luck!

~Malik Sharrieff

Category: parenting | No Comments »
Tags: communication, parenting

Posted By Malik Sharrieff on November 27, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Since my last post, I’ve had the chance to go back and re-read it. Well, it occurred to me that it might have had a bit of a negative tone. Actually, earlier that day, I had spent a good deal of time trying to explain the importance of prayer to my two and a half year old son, without using the phrase, “because I said so.”

It’s harder than you might think.

So, after what felt like several hours of effort (actually it was closer to thirty minutes), I told him we would continue our conversation another time. Honestly, I was losing patience. As any of my close friends could attest, I have never been the most patient of persons. However, when it comes to ensuring the welfare of my family, I have found an ability to tap into a previously undiscovered reserve of fortitude. Unfortunately, sometimes even that is tested to the point break.

I feel that it is very important that I reserve displays of frustration for disciplinary issues. I’ve found that I can get much more mileage from the stern, “you’re about to get it” voice if it’s used as sparingly as possible. Plus, I don’t want my sons to expect me to get frustrated just because I might find the topic or course of interaction difficult.

So, while I still maintain the validity of my point in the last post (one of the chief difficulties in communicating with our kids is their difficulty in communicating with us), I can apologize for the minor displacement of emotion.

By way of an update, my son assures me now that we have broached the subject twice more, that he understands that it how important it is to thank God for all of the gifts He gives us every day and to ask Him to protect us, and to say night-night to baby Jesus.

Of course, I would be thrilled to hear how any of you have communicated the importance of prayer to your children at whatever age, whether successful or not. Please, feel welcome to share your experiences.

~Malik Sharrieff

Category: parenting | 2 Comments »
Tags: communication, parenting

Posted By Malik Sharrieff on November 24, 2009

There was a time when I thought that talking and communicating were close enough to be considered the same. Having children knocks that concept right out of the park. My older son has a fairly large-ish vocabulary for his age and never misses an opportunity to make use of it.

Blah, blah, blah, yackety smackety; every word he knows shot rapid fire, non-stop until he’s been heard at least three times. Unfortunately, all he communicates is that he wants my attention. I would be overjoyed if he simply asked, “Daddy, would you please look me in the face for the next 10 minutes while I silently enjoyed your uninterrupted attention.” Not only would that be surprisingly spectacular diction and word usage for a two and a half year old, but I would be spared the endless chattering and the mental fatigue that comes with trying to decipher what he might actually be trying to communicate besides, “look at me.”

Most times, I can derive some amusement with his attempts at communication and I can often get the gist of what he wants me to see or do, or get for him. But sometimes, the effort really drains me. There was a time when I wished my son could talk to me, now I long for the time when regular, clear communication will be possible.

Category: parenting | 2 Comments »
Tags: communication, parenting