Having a new baby can be rough. By following these 10 commandments, I assure you that things will go much more smoothly.
The 10 Commandments of Having a New Baby
1. Thou shalt have no other naps before your wife. Do what you can to make sure mama is getting her rest. A new baby needs mom 90 percent of the time. Always ask what you can do to help.
2. Thou shalt not ask to make love unless thy wife is inneth the mood. This is second for a reason. Fellas, give the woman a break or face her wrath. She’s been up all night, changing diapers, she’s been pee’d on, pooped on, and puked on by this little tiny human you made together. Don’t ask, not now. She will let you know, but your needs are going to have to come second until about the time the baby sleeps through the night.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of your wife in vain. You are wrong, she is right and remember that for, well, usually forever. For purposes of these commandments however, at least until she’s had a full nights sleep. Having a new baby can be a huge change, give your ol’ lady a break when she snaps at you, yells at you, cries at you, throws dirty diapers at you and then asks you to get her a milkshake.
4. Remember the nap-time, and keep it holy. Nap time is all about mom. If she wants to have a nap herself, watch HGTV, eat breakfast finally, whatever, that’s her time. When a baby is first born, dad’s definitely play a huge role, but mom is number one. This is her time to compose herself, have a shower, or just kick her feet up without a crying, pooping bundle of joy looking up at a her boobs pining for a snack. Nap time is all about mom keeping herself sane.
5. Pity your father and your mother. If this is your first child, you soon will make that phone call to your folks. You know, the one where you apologize for everything you did as a kid. It all makes sense now. You’ll never know love like the love for a child, and you can never truly understand how much hard work it is til’ you have one for your own.
6. Thou shalt not murder. I’m just gonna leave this one here, y’know, in case you need it.
7. Thou shalt not commit adulthood. A new baby is a great time to be a kid again. Being a great parent doesn’t mean you have to grow up and be a boring old adult. Have fun with your new baby. Be silly, watch cartoons, make funny noises and faces, connect and bond with your new baby in every way you can. Grow old, not up.
8. Thou shalt not steal off of Mom’s plate. No, not even one French fry, not the last bite of her sandwich, not the last sip of her drink, actually, don’t eat the last anything. Mom is tired and grumpy already, don’t complete the trifecta by making her hungry. If you do, the planets and stars align, fire rains down from above and a beast you might not be familiar with could possibly rip your head off. You’ve been warned.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your baby. This includes, but is not limited to: pretending you didn’t know the baby had a dirty diaper, blaming the baby for your own farts, blaming spilled drinks on the baby, or basically blaming anything on the baby. Nothing is a babies fault, not even the fact that you are dead tired. Babies can only do one thing, and that’s be a baby. Everything else is your fault.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy single friends. You might not be able to party all night be sleep all day anymore, but residing a child is the most rewarding experience you will ever take part in. Raise your child proudly and keep them your number one priority. There is no party on earth that is more important than your precious little child.
There they are, my 10 commandments of having a new baby. Sometimes you need to lighten things up a little bit, though there are some bits and pieces of good advice in there from my own personal experience. What would you put on the list?