I remember everything about the time my wife told me she was pregnant with our daughter. I remember where we were standing outside my work, I remember when it was, and I remember exactly how I felt. I remember seeing her so excited and absolutely terrified at the same time. I felt like I already knew why she came to visit me at work that day though. I tried to play it cool, but on the inside I was excited, mortified, terrified, petrified and stupefied. Through it all though, I felt like all my life I was born to be a father.
My wife and I always knew that we would have more than just one child. Since the day my daughter was born we have been living a nonstop, thrilling roller coaster ride of love and life. We always thought that when it was meant to happen that we would have another. As months slowly ticked by we just chalked it up to timing and didn’t put much pressure on the situation. We knew that we would have another child soon enough and that was that.
Those months that slowly ticking by now were turning into years. We dealt with a few moments of excitement and then absolute heartbreak when we thought we were pregnant and found out that the timing was not right again. When you want more children but it seems like you are unable to have them, it is one of the most angering and hopeless feelings in the world. It is extremely tough to deal with the excitement and then the heartbreak of losing a pregnancy. However my wife and I had to normalize the experience and go on with our day to day life. Our first child eager to have a companion, was now starting second grade and we were losing hope.
My wife decided it was time to see a specialist and get an answer. Unfortunately doctors don’t always give clear-cut answers. My wife was determined though that things would work out. Long story short, she made a drastic change to her lifestyle. She started exercising daily and eating a considerably more healthy diet then she had been before. She lost a great deal of weight and was feeling better than she ever had felt. She excitedly told me the news she was pregnant. Unfortunately I didn’t have it in me to be anything but cautious. Though I was certainly excited for the prospect of another child, I couldn’t deal with bringing her hopes up again just to be letdown. After all she had not even started the cycle of medicine the doctor had prescribed her to possibly help her get pregnant. Though I had assured her all along that diet and exercise for the key to most problems, even I didn’t believe it.
It’s funny how time works. Sometimes it feels like hours are just seconds passing by and other times it’s quite the opposite. Waiting for my wife to have her first major ultrasound felt like waiting an entire lifetime. Waiting, hoping, it is certainly hard for the mother. Losing pregnancies in the past is an indescribable pain that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. Certainly it is incredibly traumatic for the mother, but often times it is overlooked how hurtful and crushing it can be to the father. As I said before, I knew that I was born to have children. After a while I had started to think that perhaps that intuition was wrong. Though I had one child and certainly she was the light of my life I had always imagined myself surrounded by a beautiful family of many.
In the back of my mind I could hardly believe it, those minutes, those days, those hours, they turned into weeks. My wife and I excitedly and nervously went to her first ultrasound. Now I don’t generally believe in miracles. I don’t believe there is any sort of magic left on earth other than the magic we create for ourselves. I don’t believe that there is some grander plan and every moment of my life is building up to the next, however I feel like this was long coming, so very worth the wait and nothing short of magic, a miracle, and a blessing.
To everyone that knows me and is close to me knows exactly how excited I am. Many of my friends and family know the trials, tribulations, the heartbreak, the hope, the despair, and the joy these years of wanting, waiting, and wishing for a child between my wife and I have brought us. Thank you all for your support and for helping me through this whether you knew you were helping or not. No gesture of kindness no matter how big or how small has been brushed aside and it certainly means the world to me that you all are reading this.
Wish me luck, we are having another baby!